Backing up is OK.

This month will mark 10 months home with our sweet Major Cutie. There have been ups and downs and as I write we are in the midst of what many would call a "down" though I think I would call it an "up". She is backing up, regressing, doing what I believe she should have done almost 10 months ago. I have always been bothered by the idea that our 4 year old little girl didn't do much grieving that I could put my finger on. That she seemed to "adjust" great and fit right in. I began to wonder how one of our biological children would adjust if they too saw me cry for several days and then I dropped them off and allowed them to go with folks they didn't know, understand and certainly didn't love (on top of the culture shock of it all). Over the last several months I realized that Major Cutie and I had come to a stand still in our bonding process. That she still preferred others over me and has said to me several times that she doesn't think I'm a good mom, doesn't want to sit by me, and her actions showed it. She wasn't having a big behavior moment at the time either, just would say things matter of fact like. I found myself very angry with her and not enjoying being with her. My husband was feeling the same as he saw how it made me feel. I knew this is not what I wanted for us, for Major Cutie or my husband. I knew that it was not what God wanted for us. So on Monday we met with an attachment therapist to talk over what was going on and how to move past this big bump in our journey. Major Cutie didn't come with us. This was one of the best decisions I have made in regards to the adoption of our daughter. Doris Landry (http://www.adoptioncoalition.org/) really put Major Cutie's life in perspective. Things my head had known about adopted children but things my heart had a hard time remembering. So as we begin to parent Major Cutie differently we have seen an immediate response. She has backed up, she has regressed in several areas. Her emotions are almost uncontrollable and she is expressing, verbally, fear. She is also wetting her pants almost daily. But backing up is OK. It is really good. She should feel the trauma of her circumstances. She should cling to me for dear life as she goes between security and feeling the lack of. It is emotional for me and the rest of the family. The biological kiddos, esp. the two oldest are struggling too. It has taken almost 10 months for them to really express the weight of this adoption. And they too display it in behaviors that seem over the top (yelling, becoming angry very, very quickly, and crying alot). I am tired but not worn out. I am drained but not depleted. I am scared but not hopeless. I am excited that healing is possible and have the faith in Christ that He will heal, all while trying hard not to guard my heart and keep part of myself from Major Cutie. Backing up is something we are all doing in our house right now, kind of starting over and praying we are stepping into the right direction.