Attachment Advise from A4everFamily.org

I wanted to share some attachment advise with you that I think is worth well, blogging about. The only attachment issue we are having as of today is with our Major Cutie being affection to strangers and too affection even to friends. This has caused us to draw her away from affection towards anyone other than my husband or I for a short time. I was hoping we were moving past this but she kept trying to pet some one's beard at church Sunday and she doesn't have any type of relationship with him. She has not seen dh or I hug him or anything either. So this has led me on a Quest to help her with healthy attachments. In this search I have found Cynthia from http://www.a4everfamily.org/. I just want to paste my questions to her and her response. Take or leave any of what you read here. I'm taking it though.

My email question was this:

"7 weeks ago we brought home a 4 year old girl from Ethiopia. She is doing good but does show signs of indiscriminate behavior towards family and friends. Even so much that she preferred her aunt to comfort her over me. So we cut off all hugging, kissing, holding etc. except with my husband and I. This is upsetting her and grandparents. I don't know when to say it's OK to sit on grandpa's lap or let them hold her. How do I know? She can still be inappropriate to friends, just was at church this Sunday. She is sad to see her siblings loving on their grandparents and really put up a stink about it today. We don't see them often, maybe once a month. Thanks for you help."

And Cynthia's replied:

"Since she's still 4, I would strongly consider doing Nancy Thomas' Taming the Tiger program. It can't hurt (and can hugely help) but it has to be done before age 5 (if you're going to do it at all.) 7 weeks is a very short time to know what is really going on with her. (i.e. it's not at all uncommon for things to get far worse before they get better.) But that doesn't answer your question. ;)I would keep her close to you and have everyone else redirect her toward you for several months if not longer. I would be looking for signs that she is securely attached....and "putting up a stink" doesn't indicate that she's ready. ;) 7 weeks is very early in the process. Unfortunately, I can't seem to connect to the internet at the moment to give you a direct link, but look at the article "A Different Perspective" on A4everFamily...and factor in the fact that she has only been home 7 weeks but has been elsewhere for 4 years. That's an awfully long time and it's not going to be easy for her to learn that you are the ones to trust. Under "Post Adoption Parenting" there is another article about keeping a child's world small...and the signs to look for before you start widening that world. I hope that's helpful. Contact us again if you'd like."

I did reply and give some background history on our daughter and Cynthia added,

"It's great that she has been with her birth mom and siblings until recently...assuming that she had a good relationship/attachment with them. But it doesn't change the fact that what she has experienced since June is traumatic. I can't fathom what it would be like--at 4, no less--to give up EVERYTHING that you know (people, culture, food, climate,...everything familiar) and start over. Trauma really doesn't begin to describe it, does it? I see that you have a 3 and 5 year old. I assume bio? Just imagine what would happen if you dropped them in the middle of Ethiopia tomorrow. Despite a good relationship with you, the move would be traumatic...and it would take them a very, very long time to learn to attach and trust with a new mom. Hopefully they'd be able to. But, yes, it is good news that she had the potential to form a loving bond with someone. Ages 0-3 are so very important in that regard. I would, however, do the TamingTT program with her. Again, it won't hurt and it very well may save all of you a lot of heartache later.As far as the infants...sigh. They may actually have the potential for more problems than your daughter because they have not had the opportunity to bond with one person consistently since birth. But, initially (again, read "A Different Perspective") things may look fine because the kids are traumatized and effectively in shock. We routinely hear from folks whose children have experienced a long "honeymoon" period and later regret the way they parented their children initially. Adoptive children--especially those who've been adopted internationally and therefore experienced even more transitions--need a specialized style of parenting. If they are parented like a biological child (passing around an older infant, for example), things may look okay initially, but oftentimes families pay the price later. Not always. But very, very often. An adoptive child who is new to the family needs to have a very, very small world. I wouldn't pass my newborn infant around. Neither should a child new to the family be passed around. You are so, so smart to not risk it. It's not worth it. I admire your intuitive parenting."

I am so thankful to have list mates and a group like A4everFamily to help me do the very best job I can for my daughter. What a true blessing.