Our good ole' stinky laundry

I've written this post a hundred times and haven't posted it. I guess cause I'm not sure if I am just hanging out our dirty laundry for you all to see. But my heart's intention is nothing like that. I want you to know the struggles of making a family...a family. I want you to know that adoption is not easy, at all. That is not the same as saying it is not worth it. I am not saying she was not worth it. I am saying that it is hard work, not for the faint of heart. It is "easy" to think you are prepared. But I don't think you ever really are. Human beings are much too complicated to be figured out in some "owners" manual. Adoption is based out of a loss. A loss to our children. It's complicated and messy. So I want to share my struggles to shed light on our reality of bringing home our little girl. Of our little girl coming with us, total strangers, on a big long flight to America...who brought not one thing with her from her country. No teddy bear from home, no special blanket or clothes. Nothing from the place she had called home her whole life. You've heard of the "honeymoon" right? The time when all is really going well and you think the books really had no idea and you've found the child, the one who is the exception to the rule. Your child is adjusted and well bonded...in two weeks. Until week 3 or maybe day 3 for some of you. And then reality hits. You know reality must hit but somehow you hoped it wouldn't apply in this situation. For me I wanted Major Cutie to grieve, I was looking for it, expecting it. I figured we'd have bigger issues if she never grieved at all. I thought I would recognize it because I read about it...or one child's reaction to grief and figured that is what I'd see. One hour a day I thought Major Cutie would grieve. I thought she would cry and I would hold her and love her and she would still cry but not alone. Major Cutie never did that. She grieved her own way, one I didn't recognize at first. I am not sure I can identify the times she grieved or how she grieves but these are some of the things we have experienced...
*We had about 3 weeks where lots of lieing accured. Thanks be to God that is just about history. For the most part Major Cutie's pretty honest. She does pray at night that, "Jesus, no (insert her name here)lie."
*Food can sometimes be an issue. The first two weeks she ate ANYTHING I would give her. Then she started getting really picky. I tried to keep my thoughts about eating at a low so as not to give her something to be "in control" about. For the most part she eats a variety of foods.
*Clothes are a major ordeal for her. So much so that I choose two outfits out a day and she can choose from those two. She would cry and be so mad at first if they weren't jeans...all the time. But now she choses and only occasionally complains. She also can get pretty grumpy about what coat she has to wear. All things that took me by surprise. I just figured she would be grateful for any coat or any outfit. But it just isn't so.
*All boundries are tested. All of them. And this has just about been constant for the last four months. So you can see how that might get tiring. It seems it is letting up a bit though. Another Praise!
*There has been lots of arguing with her siblings about things that are petty and true. For example, you can say the snow is white and she'll say it isn't. This causes a great deal of spats with her siblings. Nothing unlike any other childish behavior except this went on for weeks and weeks, probably on every subject, constantly. Now it happens less often. My take on this is that she just wanted to be right about anything. Think about it...she came here and "everyone" knew more that she did.
*We've had one really bad experience that left me questioning what I had done. And that experience lasted a whole day. Grieving? Maybe. But very difficult none the less. That day left me struggling and I'm not sure how much detail to give but Major Cutie wasn't very "cute" that day. She pushed boundries with her words using them to offend me, she grabbed toys away from a child she had never met and then out of anger threw the toy across a play table,she called my mom "her mom" along with telling me who her mom is...and it wasn't me...it happened just one day. But it took me days to get over it. I struggled to forgive her. I know that is childish, but it was a very hard experience for me and just being honest, I struggled to forgive her. I wondered if I was experiencing depression and if I really could bring this child through her pain out to the other side. Without Jesus I know I can't. But He has promised not to leave me. Not to leave Major Cutie. Ex.14:13. Stand your ground...The Lord Himself will fight for you. Heb. 13:5 I will never leave or forsake you.
So there you have a bit of it. A look at some of our dirty laundry. It isn't pretty and sometimes pretty stinky. But I'm heaping it all on the Lord for I know He is able. II Cor. 9:8